I've never been so down lately.
I quit working out, learning English oral speaking skills, and reading this year. This is taking tolls on me and I am becoming more and more aweful day by day.
I feel myself becoming self-pity and short-tempered. Last night, when my boyfriend told me that he felt quite similar when he first had sex with his ex-girlfirend with what I told him about a "warm moment in life": " It's the first time for both of us to have sex. We were so unexperienced and tired and fell asleep right after. On the next morning when I woke up, I saw sunlight cast on her cheek and tiny bits of fine hair on her delicate skin. I'd rather have nothing but you". Weirdly, I don't feel so sad, not like how I felt before each time he talked about his ex with me. Instead, I felt jealousy.
Why I never had such simple and beatiful feeling? Is it because the life of me is to unusual?
My first kiss was with a stranger, and my first sex too, which make me sick everytime I think of them. While my first love, nothing in it left in my heart but pain and bitter. I'm mad at her but also mad at the self who doesn't let her and memories about her go.
But I guess it is not the reason for me to neglect my boyfriend today. It was mainly the feeling that I've been through an empty and vain year.
I need to start running again to ditch her behind my life and save myself. Hopefully everything will be better.